How was our pirate ride on September 19th? I could summarize it in one word, if there was a word that could combine epic, fun and retarded. So what the hell, I?ll invent one for the occasion ? it was EPFARDED.
In true Biker Entourage fashion, what the ride lacked in quantity it more than made up for in quality. Our two-wheelin? rapscallions ?n wenches were dressed to a T in pirate garb and ready to engage in the mayhem and plunder that was expected of them. Even our least-dressed buccaneer, Adrian--who presented with an eye patch and was fully expecting to be told to walk the plank--came prepared with a brigand's heart and a classic ride.
The Liberace of pirates, D?Artagnan (yes that is his real name) won the flamboyant pirate rockstar prize, with a poofie hairdo that would make a Jersey girl envious, and a century-old epee that sent sparks across the sidewalk, shudders through men?s hearts and quivers up women?s privates.
Aye and t?was a sight to see fellow rogue Jon ride in full pirate regalia atop an iron beast with huge bull's horns stickin out the side and a metal skull?s glowin? eyes starin? right through ya. Were he not so damn funny after talking to him, your first thought at seeing such a formidable sight could very well be . . . ?run?.
We were joined by Ebony, aka Lady Wenchington aka the travelling unicorn, a fiery lass from down under who was brave enough to ride with us barnacleheads as a passenger. To our happy surprise, she ended up not being such a lady after all, distinguishing herself with the Eyeball ?N Skull Launcher Extraordinaire Medal of Dishonour, and unabashedly throwing herself into our sword fight like a bloodthirsty pro. Importantly, a new pirate term came into common usage that night thanks to her, the ?fuckwit?. Plus her and Adrian?s Aussie and Brit accents brought 17th century authenticity to the whole sordid affair.
|Alyssa rode, swashed and buckled as hard as the rest of us. During our sword fight she was the business end of a creature ne?er seen before. After somehow swallowing fellow bandit Brad between her legs (now we know to take her boast of having crushed 50 men?s skulls between her thighs seriously), she transformed into an unstoppable beast that stood two pirates tall! Arrr we were shiverin in our timbers (when we weren?t laughing our asses off that is)!
Prior to his untimely appropriation by her murderous thighs, Brad once again laid claim to being BEnt?s winningest rider. Last time it was a vibrator. This time, a bottle of spiced rum. We figured if he could somehow combine the two it would make for a very interesting time. Twas his piratey rush onto the gates of Trinity Church that brought Captain Kidd?s spirit alive that night, and Brad the Talk Like A Pirate Pickup Line Contest victory.
The Bearded One (aka Alex) on the other hand didn?t even have to act a pirate?s role, and we wondered how hard it was for him to assimilate to polite society on a daily basis. His swagger ?n pelvic sword-waivin? made him a shoe-in for second prize (a Spongebob Pirate?s Booty snack). His wicked, piratey exhortations to passenger Wenchington resulted in a maelstrom of bouncing eyeballs and skulls in Times Square upon both the hapless and willing.
During our first pirate ride in 2011, we encountered a large gathering of protesters a coupla blocks before our Trinity Church stop. Of course we beeped our horns and revved our engines at them, and received a loud, crowd-sourced hoorah! We later found out that this was two days into the historic Occupy Wall Street protest at Zuccotti Park.
So this time around we stopped with suitable clamour and swords raised in tribute (either to these rebels or to the pirates of Wall Street, depending on your ideology).
Our pirate ride apparently inspired some bloggin' too, by the Travelling Unicorn (thetravellingunicorn.com/?p=343), Jean Zimmerman (jeanzimmerman.com/category/fashion), and a Ukrainian journalist we have yet to hear from.
Aye, any way ya slice it ya scurvy fuckwits, t?was an epfarded time for all!